Not Wearing Lolita to a Meet

This is certainly not a topic that you’d expect to see on a blog all about wearing lolita fashion. However, since becoming a mod for my local comm I have been noticing this question more. Usually, though not always, it comes from newcomers who are yet to order any part of their coordinate, who are nonetheless keen on joining the community asap. I thought I’d share my opinions on this. To me it’s important to consider both points of view: that of the person asking to attend a meetup not in lolita and that of the community, as well as address some general bits. Hopefully this will help someone out there and invite discussions on how other communities approach these requests.

General points

It should go without saying that matters like this are resolved at the discretion of the meet organiser and the community admins. Some comms are stricter than others, some may have a dress code explicitly in their community rules or in the event description. The golden rules here are to ask permission, to review these requests on a case by case basis, and to not be a dick about the whole thing regardless of your position in this discussion.

If you are new to the community, I suggest making yourself known first by being active in the group online. This is also a good way to kill time while you build your coordinate. However, if you’re determined to meet the community before your outfit arrives, you’re more likely to be accepted if the mods/host have already interacted with you through group discussions. Making it clear that you want to be part of the community is the way to go, else any request to attend a meet not in lolita inevitably seems suspicious and raises alarm amongst mods/hosts.

Another general thing is to consider whether there is a more appropriate place for this. Sometimes the person asking may not be wearing lolita yet, but might already be into fairy-kei or decora, or menhera, or whatever other J-fashion. Are they asking in a lolita community because that’s the only J-fashion group they could find online? From what I hear from my UK friends, finding groups specific to other J-fashion styles, in a way similar to lolitas, is hard as these groups either don’t exist or are very inactive. Besides conventions, there may not be an opportunity for people to wear those styles in a group and asking the nearest other J-fashion community they can find seems like the best thing for them. So if you know of communities focused on other J-fashion or kawaii fashions, or about events centred on those, why not link these somewhere on the group to make it easier to find? Or cross-promote each others events? Lolitas flock together into communities in ways that other fashions often don’t and keeping this in mind may influence how you approach both meetup organising and responding to/asking these questions.

Everything else I have to say will be specific to where one sits in relation to the question at hand, so let’s dive right into it.

I’d love to attend a meetup not dressed in lolita fashion

Most of the times the reason for asking this is because you’re waiting for your coordinate to arrive. This is a perfectly valid reason and we’ve all been there. Consider the kind of meetup that you’re asking to turn up to in something else. Often any casual activities will be marked as such, but in case it’s not, look at the planned activities. This should give you a good idea on whether the host/admin would ok your request or not.

This look felt cute enough for work, but I'd feel
self-conscious and underdressed if I was amongst
lolitas in this.

The important thing is also to consider what you’d wear instead of lolita fashion. Make sure to clear that with the host and get a green light from them. On the one hand turning up in plain mainstream fashion might make the group forget to include you without necessarily meaning to, particularly if you’re new. On the other, think about how you’d feel in jeans and a hoodie whilst amongst lolitas, even those dressed casually. This might inadvertently end up having a negative effect on your self-image and/or confidence without anyone saying anything. Offering to come in other J-fashion is a good route to go as that offers you a plethora of cute styles that may be more accessible or doable with what you own. Whilst evening and formalwear would potentially work too, and that’s certainly the case for those dressing in menswear, remember where the line is between partywear and formalwear.

I have come across cases where people asked to arrive not in lolita due to other activities before or after the meetup. If that is you, consider your other options. Is lolita fashion in any shape or form unacceptable at this other event? If you think you’d get away with a very casual coordinate, consider wearing that. It’d save you having to change and leave you with the option to spice the outfit up with accessories for the lolita meet, which you’d then take off for the other engagement. If not, again, consider the occasion. Turning up to a lolita meetup in paintballing gear is likely not going to be appropriate, but your Sunday best for church might be ok. Whatever it is, clear your outfit choice with the host in advance. Sometimes it may be possible for you to simply change from one outfit to another, so if there’s an appropriate space to change and you have the energy to carry an extra bag, this is an alternative to think about.

Lastly, for those who are asking because they don’t own a coordinate yet, one request: do not ask other lolitas to lend you clothes. If you are close friends with someone, they may be willing to give you a makeover, yet even that is entirely at their discretion. No matter how many clothes someone else might have, it’s in poor taste to ask that others show you that kindness and trust you with pieces they’ve spent money, time and effort to collect. Do you even want the responsibility of having to be super extra careful because you’re wearing someone else’s clothes, even if it’s ‘only’ Bodyline? Behaviour like this won’t warm the community members up to you and whilst I’m proud to say that I’ve never witnessed anything like this in my comms, I have heard some true horror stories from people who lent things to others or from newer community members showing quite an entitled attitude towards the longstanding members.

I’m hosting a meetup which someone asked to attend not dressed in lolita fashion

For those hosting, before anyone even asks, it’s good to clear up any confusion through your meetup or event description. State explicitly if what you’re hosting is a casual get-together or a more formal event. Specify the dress code (lolita fashion only or any J-fashion welcome) and mention any practical concerns regarding dress code to address, e.g. will attendees need practical footwear for cross-country walking or is there a risk of drinks spilling. Give all your attendees the details, so that they can adjust their coordinates accordingly. This will help preempt most questions. You’ll be surprised how often even lolitas themselves will query dress code and its meaning with you (I had that before OT-Tea, for example).

If the meetup is so chill even your cat can come,
then give people that space to get to know the
community. Equally, it's ok to not compromise if
the meetup really is just for lolitas.

Where it doesn’t, remember the golden rule: don’t be a dick about it. People have their reasons to ask and it’s normal that excited newbies want to join the community asap. If you have to decline, do it politely and in a way that leaves the door open for the person to join something else. It’s ok to say “I’m afraid this particular meetup is restricted to those wearing lolita. But look out for other events, the comm attends cons/hosts casual meetups where other J-fashion styles are welcome” or something to that extent. Point to the specific event, if you know that one is on the cards already. It’s also ok to invite the person to organise a casual J-fashion meetup if your community allows for anyone to host. Many lolitas wear other J-fashion styles and I’ve heard a few complaints myself that they often don’t get the same hangout space and opportunities for decora or fairy-kei as they do for lolita.

In cases where you are ok with someone turning up in non-lolita outfit, particularly if it’s someone new to the community, be clear with them about expectations. Explain if it’s a big or small meetup, encourage to start a discussion on the event page to get to know people in advance, ask them to make themselves known to you upon arrival so you can check they’re still with you throughout the day. And crucially, confirm what they will wear. Depending on what you’re comfortable with, it doesn’t necessarily have to be other J-fashion, although something that stands out against the normies will help identify the person as part of your group. Take the time to explain a bit about the activity too, in case this might be affected by the person’s dress choice (anything from potential stains to the fact that this is an alternative/kawaii fashion space and certain things won’t go).

Final words

In my experience, these questions are quite rare. Whether I’m lucky as a comm admin in having very understanding newbies or that newbies know to join a meetup once they have a coord, it’s hard to say. The only time I personally hosted a meetup where someone wasn’t in lolita was super casual, the person that was someone I’d met before, and they had good reason (attending a church mass before the meetup). Other times I’ve seen people at lolita meetups who weren’t in lolita themselves, they were wearing other J-fashion and the meetups were hosted by groups explicitly open to all J-fashion styles (though even then they cleared it with the hosts/mods). Even if you’ve not encountered people asking this, it may be worth considering hosting a more style-open meetup at some point. It could both be a good way to invite newbies to engage and meet people, and to provide your active members with the space and freedom to show off some of their other styles. I’m sure you’ll also have people who are into other J-fashion styles besides lolita – and some who wanted to experiment with their looks who simply haven’t had an opportunity yet.

What has been your experience? Have you been to lolita meetups with people not in lolita in attendance? Have you had people ask you as a host if they can come in something else? Or maybe you were once that person? What was your experience like, positive or negative? Share your stories and thoughts, I’m very curious.