Not Wearing Lolita to a Meet
This is certainly not a topic that you’d expect to see on a
blog all about wearing lolita fashion. However, since becoming a mod for my
local comm I have been noticing this question more. Usually, though not always,
it comes from newcomers who are yet to order any part of their coordinate, who
are nonetheless keen on joining the community asap. I thought I’d share my
opinions on this. To me it’s important to consider both points of view: that of
the person asking to attend a meetup not in lolita and that of the community,
as well as address some general bits. Hopefully this will help someone out
there and invite discussions on how other communities approach these requests.
General points
It should go without saying that matters like this are
resolved at the discretion of the meet organiser and the community admins. Some
comms are stricter than others, some may have a dress code explicitly in their
community rules or in the event description. The golden rules here are to ask
permission, to review these requests on a case by case basis, and to not be a
dick about the whole thing regardless of your position in this discussion.
If you are new to the community, I suggest making yourself
known first by being active in the group online. This is also a good way to
kill time while you build your coordinate. However, if you’re determined to
meet the community before your outfit arrives, you’re more likely to be
accepted if the mods/host have already interacted with you through group
discussions. Making it clear that you want to be part of the community is the
way to go, else any request to attend a meet not in lolita inevitably seems
suspicious and raises alarm amongst mods/hosts.
Another general thing is to consider whether there is a more
appropriate place for this. Sometimes the person asking may not be wearing
lolita yet, but might already be into fairy-kei or decora, or menhera, or
whatever other J-fashion. Are they asking in a lolita community because that’s
the only J-fashion group they could find online? From what I hear from my UK
friends, finding groups specific to other J-fashion styles, in a way similar to
lolitas, is hard as these groups either don’t exist or are very inactive.
Besides conventions, there may not be an opportunity for people to wear those
styles in a group and asking the nearest other J-fashion community they can
find seems like the best thing for them. So if you know of communities focused
on other J-fashion or kawaii fashions, or about events centred on those, why
not link these somewhere on the group to make it easier to find? Or
cross-promote each others events? Lolitas flock together into communities in
ways that other fashions often don’t and keeping this in mind may influence how
you approach both meetup organising and responding to/asking these questions.
Everything else I have to say will be specific to where one
sits in relation to the question at hand, so let’s dive right into it.
I’d love to attend a meetup not dressed in lolita fashion
Most of the times the reason for asking this is because
you’re waiting for your coordinate to arrive. This is a perfectly valid reason
and we’ve all been there. Consider the kind of meetup that you’re asking to
turn up to in something else. Often any casual activities will be marked as
such, but in case it’s not, look at the planned activities. This should give
you a good idea on whether the host/admin would ok your request or not.
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| This look felt cute enough for work, but I'd feel self-conscious and underdressed if I was amongst lolitas in this. |
I have come across cases where people asked to arrive not in
lolita due to other activities before or after the meetup. If that is you,
consider your other options. Is lolita fashion in any shape or form
unacceptable at this other event? If you think you’d get away with a very
casual coordinate, consider wearing that. It’d save you having to change and
leave you with the option to spice the outfit up with accessories for the
lolita meet, which you’d then take off for the other engagement. If not, again,
consider the occasion. Turning up to a lolita meetup in paintballing gear is
likely not going to be appropriate, but your Sunday best for church might be
ok. Whatever it is, clear your outfit choice with the host in advance.
Sometimes it may be possible for you to simply change from one outfit to
another, so if there’s an appropriate space to change and you have the energy
to carry an extra bag, this is an alternative to think about.
Lastly, for those who are asking because they don’t own a
coordinate yet, one request: do not ask other lolitas to lend you clothes. If you
are close friends with someone, they may be willing to give you a makeover, yet
even that is entirely at their discretion. No matter how many clothes someone
else might have, it’s in poor taste to ask that others show you that kindness
and trust you with pieces they’ve spent money, time and effort to collect. Do
you even want the responsibility of having to be super extra careful because
you’re wearing someone else’s clothes, even if it’s ‘only’ Bodyline? Behaviour
like this won’t warm the community members up to you and whilst I’m proud to
say that I’ve never witnessed anything like this in my comms, I have heard some
true horror stories from people who lent things to others or from newer
community members showing quite an entitled attitude towards the longstanding
members.
I’m hosting a meetup which someone asked to attend not dressed in lolita fashion
For those hosting, before anyone even asks, it’s good to
clear up any confusion through your meetup or event description. State
explicitly if what you’re hosting is a casual get-together or a more formal
event. Specify the dress code (lolita fashion only or any J-fashion welcome)
and mention any practical concerns regarding dress code to address, e.g. will
attendees need practical footwear for cross-country walking or is there a risk
of drinks spilling. Give all your attendees the details, so that they can
adjust their coordinates accordingly. This will help preempt most questions.
You’ll be surprised how often even lolitas themselves will query dress code and
its meaning with you (I had that before OT-Tea, for example).
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| If the meetup is so chill even your cat can come, then give people that space to get to know the community. Equally, it's ok to not compromise if the meetup really is just for lolitas. |
In cases where you are ok with someone turning up in
non-lolita outfit, particularly if it’s someone new to the community, be clear
with them about expectations. Explain if it’s a big or small meetup, encourage
to start a discussion on the event page to get to know people in advance, ask
them to make themselves known to you upon arrival so you can check they’re still
with you throughout the day. And crucially, confirm what they will wear.
Depending on what you’re comfortable with, it doesn’t necessarily have to be
other J-fashion, although something that stands out against the normies will
help identify the person as part of your group. Take the time to explain a bit
about the activity too, in case this might be affected by the person’s dress
choice (anything from potential stains to the fact that this is an
alternative/kawaii fashion space and certain things won’t go).
Final words
In my experience, these questions are quite rare. Whether
I’m lucky as a comm admin in having very understanding newbies or that newbies
know to join a meetup once they have a coord, it’s hard to say. The only time I
personally hosted a meetup where someone wasn’t in lolita was super casual, the
person that was someone I’d met before, and they had good reason (attending a
church mass before the meetup). Other times I’ve seen people at lolita meetups
who weren’t in lolita themselves, they were wearing other J-fashion and the
meetups were hosted by groups explicitly open to all J-fashion styles (though
even then they cleared it with the hosts/mods). Even if you’ve not encountered
people asking this, it may be worth considering hosting a more style-open
meetup at some point. It could both be a good way to invite newbies to engage
and meet people, and to provide your active members with the space and freedom
to show off some of their other styles. I’m sure you’ll also have people who
are into other J-fashion styles besides lolita – and some who wanted to
experiment with their looks who simply haven’t had an opportunity yet.
What has been your experience? Have you been to lolita
meetups with people not in lolita in attendance? Have you had people ask you as
a host if they can come in something else? Or maybe you were once that person?
What was your experience like, positive or negative? Share your stories and
thoughts, I’m very curious.
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