Why is Lolita a Safe Space for You...
… and how do you make it so for the community? That’s the topic of this week’s Lolita Blog Carnival prompt and I think it’s such an important one to discuss. Whether it’s coming from the perspective of a community moderator or a participant in the fashion, we all contribute to making lolita fashion a safe space (or not). So let’s talk about that.
As lolita is an alternative fashion, the phrase “safe space” has an extra layer of meaning to us. It’s not just that we, members of this community, create an environment that protects individuals from harm caused by members of our own community. For lolitas safe space is also about fostering a supportive climate that cushions us from the nasty sides of the mainstream world which can have a negative effect on us, be it mean comments from strangers or seeking acceptance in an alternative space when we don’t feel like the mainstream ones embrace us. It is also about protecting our community from threats that are somewhat specific to us or that do not affect the mainstream society to the same extent, such as fetishisation and non-consensual exposure to kink spaces based purely on the look of the clothes we wear. Although those are things that the community has battled with since its inception, it’s vital to ensure that we create spaces where those aspects won’t cause individuals harm and where everyone can find themselves supported and uplifted by others within the style they chose to wear.
Lolita fashion started out as a fashion created for women and predominantly by women. This is a way of expression that does not consider the male gaze at all and instead focuses on hyperfemininity, which women embrace by choice for their own gratification, no-one else’s. Through practicing inclusivity our community is beautifully diverse, particularly at the grass-roots level of the wearers of lolita, representing all kinds of ages, skin tones, body types, gender identities, sexualities, social statuses and cultural backgrounds. What connects us is the admiration for this hyper-femme way of presenting ourselves - or if we expand this to ouji fashion, the embracing of our feminine sides and things considered to be feminine - for the sake of personal enjoyment. And when a community is this diverse, including so many minorities and people of protected characteristics, it is crucial to ensure that this alt-fashion space is as safe for them as it is for the cis white het slim women. Lolita fashion is ultimately a reflection of its members and we all exist within the mainstream society too, meaning that we can’t completely escape from bigoted people and discriminatory opinions even amongst our own. But when a community firmly slams down against discrimination, hate and bullying, it protects those who are vulnerable, which is the loudest statement of “one for all and all for one” possible.
Moreover, because lolita fashion is such a loud and alternative way of expression, it attracts plenty of unwanted attention. The harassment, fetishisation and being forced into kink spaces is but the extreme end of that scale. Stares and looks, comments ranging from passive-aggressive or patronising to downright aggressive, singling out and labelling, these are all things an individual lolita will deal with just on their way to a meetup/their destination that day. Having a safe space provides an avenue for releasing the stress and negativity caused by that, allows one to relax, as well as process anything worse than temporary irritation at the behaviour of strangers.
Lastly, taking it down to that individual level, people may need lolita to be their safe space from their own lives. From the Rufflechat threads to the documentaries about lolitas and lolita fashion, many comment how it is a form of escapism for them. There may be some lolitas for whom this fashion is the only form of escapism they have or can indulge in, and escapism can be hugely beneficial for one’s mental health. Particularly as not everyone engaging in the fashion will have an opportunity or desire to engage with other lolitas. Being a lonelita is a perfectly valid choice, having this fashion as one’s personal safe space can help a person go through hard times, provide comfort and allow one to gather strength when needed.
At this point in my life, at the age of 28 and having worn lolita progressively more often and more intensively over the last 9 years of my life, this fashion has become a solid part of my identity. I’m able to detach myself emotionally from the negative opinions of strangers on the street or on the internet, meaning that I don’t necessarily need a safe space from mean comments. However, lolita fashion has been an anchor for me during times when I’ve felt very low and vulnerable, as well as allowed me to grow into the confident, self-assured adult that I am today. At a time when I was feeling lonely, finding my tribe in my local community provided me with a much needed sense of stability, as well as an almost sisterhood sense of community and togetherness. Now that I’m going through some personal loss, I’ve not only had the community surround me with love and support, but continuing to wear the fashion and engage with it reaffirmed my identity, reminded me of one part of what makes me who I am. Those have been the main ways in which lolita fashion and its community were a safe space for me as an individual.
On the other hand, as a local comm moderator, ensuring that our comm stays a safe space is a big part of what I do when I’m not organising meetups. This involves mainly three things: active listening, implementing change where needed and staying vigilant. My inbox is always open for people who are concerned over the behaviour of others, but I also listen out to comments made elsewhere. Last time people have come forward with their concerns, together with the other mods we ended up removing the offending person from the comm. But it’s also about acting out on things not said directly to you. For example, if someone says that we need to check venues for accessibility and not just dietary requirements, I implement that when I look for places to host meets at. Because if meetups aren’t accessible to everyone, then our community ultimately can’t be a safe space nor will it be truly inclusive to everyone.
And even beyond moderating a community, these things extend to all lolita spaces, such as the online ones. If I see someone making a problematic comment, I will call them out on it. If someone who is unsafe to others imposes their presence into lolita spaces, I aim to remove them by reporting, blocking and alerting people. Making it known to people, both within our community and outside of it, that discrimination will not be tolerated, that problematic opinions will be challenged, and that unsafe individuals will be removed not only keeps the fashion a safe space, but lets everyone knows that this is the case. Actions speak louder than words and a lolita who may be discriminated against everywhere else will see when others are genuinely working to make the fashion a safe space that includes them as well.
As this is a Lolita Blog Carnival post, this means that there are more takes on the topic of lolita fashion being a safe space for us, so make sure to read those. And leave your thoughts in the comments too!
What does safe space mean?
The phrase “lolita fashion/community is a safe space” gets thrown around a lot, but what does it mean? Just like in any other context, it refers to “a place or environment in which a person or category of people can feel confident that they will not be exposed to discrimination, criticism, harassment, or any other emotional or physical harm.” I would hope that every community, whether it’s one that meets in person or an online group, operates on the principles of no-tolerance to bullying and discrimination, listens when its members voice concerns and actively tackles any instances where the words or actions of an individual are problematic or offensive. This should never be just the moderators’ “job”, it is up to everyone.As lolita is an alternative fashion, the phrase “safe space” has an extra layer of meaning to us. It’s not just that we, members of this community, create an environment that protects individuals from harm caused by members of our own community. For lolitas safe space is also about fostering a supportive climate that cushions us from the nasty sides of the mainstream world which can have a negative effect on us, be it mean comments from strangers or seeking acceptance in an alternative space when we don’t feel like the mainstream ones embrace us. It is also about protecting our community from threats that are somewhat specific to us or that do not affect the mainstream society to the same extent, such as fetishisation and non-consensual exposure to kink spaces based purely on the look of the clothes we wear. Although those are things that the community has battled with since its inception, it’s vital to ensure that we create spaces where those aspects won’t cause individuals harm and where everyone can find themselves supported and uplifted by others within the style they chose to wear.
Why does lolita fashion need to be a safe space?
Hopefully, this goes without saying, but anywhere and anything that actively cultivates being a safe space makes not only for a better experience for the individuals involved, but also goes towards improving a world that is often very unsafe, even if only a tiny bit.Lolita fashion started out as a fashion created for women and predominantly by women. This is a way of expression that does not consider the male gaze at all and instead focuses on hyperfemininity, which women embrace by choice for their own gratification, no-one else’s. Through practicing inclusivity our community is beautifully diverse, particularly at the grass-roots level of the wearers of lolita, representing all kinds of ages, skin tones, body types, gender identities, sexualities, social statuses and cultural backgrounds. What connects us is the admiration for this hyper-femme way of presenting ourselves - or if we expand this to ouji fashion, the embracing of our feminine sides and things considered to be feminine - for the sake of personal enjoyment. And when a community is this diverse, including so many minorities and people of protected characteristics, it is crucial to ensure that this alt-fashion space is as safe for them as it is for the cis white het slim women. Lolita fashion is ultimately a reflection of its members and we all exist within the mainstream society too, meaning that we can’t completely escape from bigoted people and discriminatory opinions even amongst our own. But when a community firmly slams down against discrimination, hate and bullying, it protects those who are vulnerable, which is the loudest statement of “one for all and all for one” possible.
Moreover, because lolita fashion is such a loud and alternative way of expression, it attracts plenty of unwanted attention. The harassment, fetishisation and being forced into kink spaces is but the extreme end of that scale. Stares and looks, comments ranging from passive-aggressive or patronising to downright aggressive, singling out and labelling, these are all things an individual lolita will deal with just on their way to a meetup/their destination that day. Having a safe space provides an avenue for releasing the stress and negativity caused by that, allows one to relax, as well as process anything worse than temporary irritation at the behaviour of strangers.
Lastly, taking it down to that individual level, people may need lolita to be their safe space from their own lives. From the Rufflechat threads to the documentaries about lolitas and lolita fashion, many comment how it is a form of escapism for them. There may be some lolitas for whom this fashion is the only form of escapism they have or can indulge in, and escapism can be hugely beneficial for one’s mental health. Particularly as not everyone engaging in the fashion will have an opportunity or desire to engage with other lolitas. Being a lonelita is a perfectly valid choice, having this fashion as one’s personal safe space can help a person go through hard times, provide comfort and allow one to gather strength when needed.
Why is lolita fashion a safe space for me?
I realise that up until now this post has been very broad and discussing the concept of safe space within our community in general terms, without touching on how that applies to me. Laying down my general thoughts, observations and opinions was important for me because I do strongly believe that this is something that our community should be talking about actively. Creating and cultivating a safe space is beyond simply putting “no bullying, harassment or discrimination” in our community guidelines. Just like not being racist is not the same as being anti-racist, saying that our fashion and its community are a safe space without putting your words into action and making it so becomes just empty words.At this point in my life, at the age of 28 and having worn lolita progressively more often and more intensively over the last 9 years of my life, this fashion has become a solid part of my identity. I’m able to detach myself emotionally from the negative opinions of strangers on the street or on the internet, meaning that I don’t necessarily need a safe space from mean comments. However, lolita fashion has been an anchor for me during times when I’ve felt very low and vulnerable, as well as allowed me to grow into the confident, self-assured adult that I am today. At a time when I was feeling lonely, finding my tribe in my local community provided me with a much needed sense of stability, as well as an almost sisterhood sense of community and togetherness. Now that I’m going through some personal loss, I’ve not only had the community surround me with love and support, but continuing to wear the fashion and engage with it reaffirmed my identity, reminded me of one part of what makes me who I am. Those have been the main ways in which lolita fashion and its community were a safe space for me as an individual.
On the other hand, as a local comm moderator, ensuring that our comm stays a safe space is a big part of what I do when I’m not organising meetups. This involves mainly three things: active listening, implementing change where needed and staying vigilant. My inbox is always open for people who are concerned over the behaviour of others, but I also listen out to comments made elsewhere. Last time people have come forward with their concerns, together with the other mods we ended up removing the offending person from the comm. But it’s also about acting out on things not said directly to you. For example, if someone says that we need to check venues for accessibility and not just dietary requirements, I implement that when I look for places to host meets at. Because if meetups aren’t accessible to everyone, then our community ultimately can’t be a safe space nor will it be truly inclusive to everyone.
And even beyond moderating a community, these things extend to all lolita spaces, such as the online ones. If I see someone making a problematic comment, I will call them out on it. If someone who is unsafe to others imposes their presence into lolita spaces, I aim to remove them by reporting, blocking and alerting people. Making it known to people, both within our community and outside of it, that discrimination will not be tolerated, that problematic opinions will be challenged, and that unsafe individuals will be removed not only keeps the fashion a safe space, but lets everyone knows that this is the case. Actions speak louder than words and a lolita who may be discriminated against everywhere else will see when others are genuinely working to make the fashion a safe space that includes them as well.
As this is a Lolita Blog Carnival post, this means that there are more takes on the topic of lolita fashion being a safe space for us, so make sure to read those. And leave your thoughts in the comments too!
I love how comprehensively you thought about this, and I'm going to save "active listening, implementing change where needed and staying vigilant" as a mantra when doing anything with my comm. You're really an inspiration ^__^
ReplyDeleteThank you! ^_^ The good thing about the "actively listening, implementing change where needed and staying vigilant" thing is that most of us do it already without even realising. I can't even count how many times I've seen lolitas share DDLG and sissy accounts to warn others or flag sissy videos using stolen photos to get them down. It's the same energy, just applied more broadly, not just to DDLG/sissies. And it's a lot easier to just remember who needs what when your comm is small.
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