Do I Need to Give Myself Permission?

It is far more common amongst lolitas to see people indulge and impulse buy than it is to see people needing convincing to buy new dresses. Overall during this pandemic I have been good with limiting my spending. Plenty of people are sharing lockdown hauls full of new dresses, whereas since March I’ve only bought one dream dress and one skirt.

However, this isn’t for a lack of temptations, even if I do complain how the things I want to buy aren’t coming up for sale. Looking at my 48 hours notice tracker, since lockdown was imposed on the UK, I have added 13 main pieces to that tracker. Of those, only two have sold out during the 48 hours, the rest I either decided against or was undecided and proceeded to do nothing about getting them. Some are pieces that I know I would love and wear, like the Axes Femme Coca-Cola dress. There were things that used to be on my wishlist, like AP’s Classical Whip Dot JSK. One print even appears on that list three times (Meta’s Memories Garden), which surely should be a sign that I want it enough to put it on my wishlist. Not many were actual and true impulses.

Each of these would fit into my existing wardrobe nicely, so if I did indulge, they wouldn't be bad purchases.

And yet despite having the funds and the dresses remaining available after my self-imposed cooling off period, I still dawdled and procrastinated. I can justify this to myself with logic, by trying to be practical. Do I really have the storage space for another dress? Will I definitely wear this? Is this a cut that would be flattering and comfortable on me? Is this another fancy piece that once working from home ends will end up waiting for tea parties instead of being worn more? What if I buy this now and then a wishlist item pops up later? And many others like these. But deep down, underneath all this, I know that I am doing exactly the same thing as I’ve noticed my Mum do: I’m waiting for permission.

Although I really don’t like shopping in the traditional sense that involves visiting shops, I do occasionally do so with my Mum. And every time we do, I feel like the enabler that she needs. She will go above and beyond to get someone else the perfect present or to get someone the thing they once casually mentioned in passing months ago. But when it comes to spending money on herself, on getting something nice for her, she stops, hesitates, looks for excuses or compelling reasons. When we’re together, I can judge whether she’s after an actual impartial opinion or whether she needs encouragement, then offer that.

I know that when I've encouraged my Mum to treat herself, she's never regretted that. Yet I seem to be unable to convince myself that the same will be true for myself.

Previously for me that enabler was my partner, but as we’re no longer together, I don’t have that person who will do just that. Yes, I have lolita friends and while I love them dearly, I feel like they lean too much into the enabler types, so I don’t ask them for a second opinion every time I hesitate after my wait on a non-wishlist item is over. Sometimes I do need encouragement and enabling, but sometimes the piece may really just be enticing because it is cheap and available, in which case I need someone to firmly point that out and make me realise this. Or remind me that this is quite a pricy piece, so am I definitely sure I want this, in case a dream dress appears soon after?

Somewhere in between all that there is a mindset change that needs to happen. Whilst I have pieces I bought purely because I liked them and they were cheap, which ended up being fantastic staples of my wardrobe, a significant portion of my collection is made up of pieces I pursued, so dream and wishlist dresses, or fell in love with at first sight. Lolita fashion does encourage hoarding, however, it also encourages curating our wardrobes and searching for the pieces that we truly want. The community at large knows that impulse buys aren’t the best way forward, so while we know they happen, they are more frowned upon than encouraged (well, not just in lolita I guess).

Yet between chasing your dream/wishlist dresses and buying the practical pieces there is a big gap. A gap made up of items that you like, probably like more at some prices than others, that you can see yourself wearing if you were to own them. Those that if money wasn’t an issue, we’d buy, but since money is an issue, we divide them into two further categories: those that we are happy to admire from afar (i.e. not own ourselves) and those that we would be happy to receive as a gift (i.e. want them, but the less we have to pay ourselves, the more we like them). It is in that latter category that I often find myself returning to certain items or dawdling on them and marking as “maybe later”. Those are the dresses that I know I have the funds to purchase, yet still don’t. Despite the comfort of a large and diverse wardrobe that almost certainly allows me to coordinate the new piece in three different ways already. Despite knowing that once something is in my possession, I do make active effort to wear it at least once a year thanks to my spreadsheet.

This is a good example of what I mean. Both are berry-themed fully shirred skirts by BtSSB. But whilst I'm happy to admire Strawberry's Heart Drops (left) from afar on others, if I found Doki Doki Strawberry Magic (right) for a good price, I'd be happy to own it.

Despite rationally knowing that not every lolita dress that I buy has to be a dream or a wishlist dress. And that it’s ok to own pieces that you simply like, if you know that you will wear them.

Sometimes I do need to give myself permission to indulge. It’s not like I’m condoning impulse buying, since all of these items pass the cooling off period. But when you build a responsible habit, sometimes it can sort of backfire on you and stop you a little too much. At those times an external and fair enabler would be much appreciated. Someone to encourage me to buy something and confirm that making that purchase wouldn’t be a bad choice, whilst also able to judge when the purchase isn’t a good decision.

For now it’s mostly myself and that tracker. When I set it up, I hoped to be able to spot patterns in my fancies, as well as hold myself accountable to the 48 hours wait, and it has done just that. If nothing else, it has shown me that I want Memories Garden enough that I should add it to my wishlist. And that I much prefer the white version than the navy one, which is why I haven’t bought it yet. So next time I spot it within the price range that I’ve seen it at so far, I will give myself permission to buy that. And now that I’ve committed that to writing and publishing on my blog, I kind of twisted my own arm and will have to deliver on, won’t I?

I have regrets now, but hopefully next time I won't have to live with regrets.